Sleepless Nights, Game of Thrones, and Doubt

April 12, 2014

i belive



I love Spring Break. I’ve gotten some studying, writing, and relaxing accomplished. It’s been a good week, but last week was one of the worst. Without giving too much information or being too vague let me try to explain:

I thought life was going to go one way. One great, much needed way. A way I had been praying for. A way I needed. A way I expected. A way that would be very beneficial to those I love.

However, life did as life sometimes does and went completely unexpected. It wrecked me. I cried one night and then went sleepless for the next three. I was aggravated at some, grieving for others. And I was frustrated with God. How could he let this happen? I sought counsel from the wisest man I know. We talked, cried, laughed, banged our heads against the wall and knew everything would work out in the end. Still, my stubborn soul was weary.

I know God doesn’t conduct the misguided orchestra of our lives. I also know that he doesn’t sit back and laugh as we beat our 1959 Gibson Les Paul Standard of a life into smithereens on our stage. But above all of that, I know he is involved and faithful. I know that all things work out for his children. I’ve read it. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. But. Still. It took me a few days before I accepted the fact of what I already knew, he grieves too. This wasn’t the way he wanted it to go either.

So, when will I quit expecting him to rip open the sky and set things right? Hopefully, never.

I continued to pray but my prayers were weaker. My voice distant and strained. Instead of diving into Scripture and study, I went the opposite direction and watched the entire first season of Game of Thrones.

Doubt seems to be a steady companion but if only I could be more doubtful of my ability to fix this world instead of God’s. When will I stop realizing that life doesn’t go as planned or even as purposed?  It just goes and we’re to deal. Sometimes it full of grace and resolve and sometimes I’m a train wreck.

Too often, I fall to my knees in tears, fearful and furious and cry out, “I’m not cut out for this! I can’t handle it!” And that’s when Jesus smiles and replies, “No. You can’t. But I can and I will.”

It’s a beautiful dance. But I really need to stop stepping on his toes.


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